hanging on..

I always needed an excuse or perhaps a logical reason. It’s been so long since I wrote something in this blog. I told myself that writing would eventually help my through my anxities yet I’ve been always skipping it. This time i just thought of it randomly since I just finished the fanfiction I’m reading and I suddenly missed writing. I am also too lazy to play my favorite RPG since I intentionally forgot to bring the mouse. Yes, I’m back here at my hometown. I’ve been busy with my contractual job which I am just too glad to have since it took me away from my occassional or often breakdowns. Keeping myself busy just to continue living this miserable life. I guess some could say that I’m slowly getting better but in my opinion I’m just pulling through. Although my life may be back on track since I’m working on my career I don’t feel any different. I feel like the old grumpy me. I still dream of my Dad but not as often as I did a few months ago. Time, once again, started for me and my mom. However, we still have a lot of problems to face and I don’t see my life getting any better. I’m an introver working as an analyst. I don’t see much opportunities for me after the end of my contract. I forgot when I stopped dreaming and trying to reach my dreams although I do remember having a lot. I have been constantly bitter. I know I set some goals for this year but somehow I don’t know if I will ever accomplish them. I feel so constricted. I have been literally live from paycheck to paycheck and my finances have been bothering me. When did I ran out of optimism? Oh yeah, since life started to fuck me all over. 

Funny you should see the reminder I have on my phone. I reminded myself to study japanese and music but I always ignore the reminder. I also reminded myself that I should get a new pair of glasses or to take care of my teeth. Best reminder I have on my phone is to find happiness. Yes, I continue to be dreamer despite reality crashing on me. I don’t think it’s wrong though, the thought may be a bit farfetched but hey, I’m still not giving up. I’m a silent person, and frankly speaking I don’t think people will even remember me when I leave this world. That’s how insignificant I think I am. I’m not good at socializing, unlike my friends who have their way with people. Maybe that is why many companies ignored my application. I’m also a stoic person and I also think that I’m very boring. Now tell me how could I even be noticed, how could my life get any better? I know I should walk out of my comfort zone but once I did a storm hit me and left me almost immobile. How should I go on? Tell me. 

I’m running out of thoughts to write down too. I should continue next time. Maybe next time there’s something worth writing. I should learn how to play Avril Lavigne’s Keep Holding On, my song for this short article.

A tribute to my father

It’s been exactly one year since you’ve been gone. A lot of things changed. I changed. I can’t say I’m perfectly fine but I’m slowly getting better. Every time I remember you tears would suddenly fall out of my eyes. I try to avoid the things that would remind me of you though I know I shouldn’t. Even last night on my way back here to my hometown I suddenly ran into the doctor in charge of you. I also cried during the trip home. I remembered everything clearly. How my Mom called and told me you were gone, what I was wearing back then, where I was back then and etc. It was so painful but I had to bear it all. I had to be strong for my mom, and now that you’re gone I have to be stronger. A lot has changed, and I know a lot will still be changing. I still think it sucks that you’re not here anymore. I also think it sucks that I have to grow up but I can’t do anything about it. I want to make it all stop but I can’t.

Though things have turned a bit more stable now that I already have a job, I still am not back to how I was before, I’ve lost all my motivation and hope. Though I set some goals for this year, pass a language assessment test and master a musical instrument. I’ll be moving one step at a time I guess. I still want to be that kid that you use to baby all the time. I miss how you just smile at me. I miss your voice and your presence. I hate it when I remember how I used to ignore you or treat you indifferently. I hate remembering how I was mad at you back then. I hate it when I think that someday I won’t get to introduce you to my friends or lover. That you won’t walk me to the altar or get to meet your grandchild. I hate it when I think that I won’t get to treat you to dinner or bring you and mama out to see the world. Most of all, I hate that I won’t get to see you ever again.

I’m still here Papa and you will continue to be alive in my heart. I will treasure the memories I have with and of you. I hope that you found your peace. Please watch over me and send me the strength to live on.

Still lucky in more ways than one.

After all these years, Ayn noticed Christmas was getting more and more lonelier for her. Reminiscing last year’s Christmas was too much of a heartache and realizing it was only her mom and her now was also quite painful. Last year, her Dad was still with them although he was stuck in his hospital bed at home. It made her think of the what ifs in her life again if her dad was still there with them. The dreams haven’t stopped either. However, it seems like both of them are getting used to just being together. They prepared a small feast good for the two of them and enjoyed it during the Christmas morning. Also, they were suddenly invited by a relative to celebrate Christmas at their home. More like, a sudden family reunion. So they went despite the trouble of commuting during Christmas. The reunion was simple but they enjoyed the company of others. Ayn was still feeling out of it but the gathering has cheered her up a little.

Ayn also realized that her online game addiction wasn’t a total waste of time because she had made several friends all over the globe. One of which was a fellow countryman who she’d exchanged numbers with. They talk frequently now and she’s glad someone else lessened her time for self-pity.

After the small reunion, her cousin insisted on taking them with him on his trip to a small town where he frequently consults a local healer who could also tell a fortune. Ayn wasn’t feeling up to it, she was more skeptical of the thought since she believed Science more than local mumbo jumbo but her mother insisted they should also be checked. The healer told her she was fine and foretold that good luck was waiting for her regarding her job applications. She has been told to watch out for her eyes’ health and that the number of applications she had would also be as many as the offers she would receive. Ayn remembered this isn’t the first time somebody told her this kind of fortune. A different person told her the same good fortune about her applications a few months ago. “So I just really need patience?” Ayn thought. She was getting tired of everything. She wanted a change of pace. She can’t help but constantly hope that things will be better for her and her mom.

8 Things I Did To Overcome Post-University Depression | My Journey

Chapter Two

She woke up again another day realizing that she dreamt of her dad again. In the dream he was alive and kicking, Ayn couldn’t remember the exact details but the dream was pleasant. Reality was a nightmare. A few seconds after she realized that her Dad was gone she got teary eyed again. She was tired of this. It feels like her life is a constant loop. Everyday she wakes up, check her emails, does household chores, play games or watch movies. Nothing new that could change her mood or anxiety. Getting a rejected job application made it worse. 19 applications, some rejected, some no replies and so far still no good news. She was pissed of remembering having to go for an application process so early, staying there waiting for the whole day but hearing nothing from it after a few weeks. “Just some false hope” Ayn concluded then.

There were some things though that made her think her life was not so bad after all. Ayn got a break from her shut-in days when her relatives took her somewhere for a vacation/family reunion. They stayed in a villa they rented, ate a lot and went to amusement parks. She realized she could still smile after all. She looks at the pictures they took that day from time to time and sees herself smiling in those. “It’s true that smiles hide so much” Ayn though. The gathering made her change her mood for a few days but then she couldn’t escape from her reality. Ayn suddenly remembered what her aunt declared, “When you get a job you better treat me to something!” and she remember quickly answering “Sure, when I get one..”. She doesn’t know where her confidence back there came from or if that was just some ironic reply.

While her friends find things in their own lives here she rots at her home just sinking into nothing. She thought of regretting a lot of things “but it’s too late for regret” she immediately answered herself. She was still somehow positive. But she thinks she somehow needs a support group. Just like a drug addict. But what she’s dealing with here is not addiction but depression. She dreads every time her phone rings, expecting it was some company trying to contact her regarding her application but in the end it was just some phone network advertisement. She doesn’t know when this will go on or when this will end. She continues on hoping but also feels indifferent about it at the same time. Ayn ended overthinking then. She stood up fixed her bed, and went on her day as usual. It was almost the year’s end but there is still no progress. Ayn hopes next year will be different.

Smiles hide so much

“Be kind to people, you don’t know what battles they are facing”

Uncertainty Beckons Me

So true. In school they teach you to solve math problems. But no one ever taught you how to solve life problems.

FireProof

We are living in a world full of uncertainty trying to find our way everyday. Some of us pretend as if though we have all the answers. Then there are a few of you who are like me and say you know what I really don’t. I had a plan for my life and it isn’t going anything like that.

My plan was to go to college, get a degree, have a career, get married and have kids. What happens when this plan is disrupted. Sure, I got a college degree but as far as the latter I am nowhere even close to that. I could feel ashamed about it or be honest. I am choosing to be honest.

There are many college graduates out there who are unemployed. Each year there are many people graduating from college and expecting to leap into their careers. Some are blessed enough to…

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Chapter One

It’s been eight months since her father died. Although she has already accepted that fact, losing someone very close to her has made quite an impact. New sets of ideas flowed through her mind, most of which made her felt lonely. Ayn never had such a sad experience. Her life before her father’s death was quite calm, not perfect but she wished her life was still like that. She dreaded the fact that her mom would occasionally reminisce and mention ‘what if’ moments of her father still being alive. She has been pushing herself to move on but she has been constantly reminded of everything that has happened to her during the past year.

Even in this gloomy morning as Ayn woke up and tossed around her bed she suddenly remembered dreaming about her Dad. “Not again.” She thought. This was not the first time this has happened to her. Although she can’t remember the details of all her dreams she knew that this probably was not the fifth nor sixth time. She already lost count as a matter of fact. “It’s been a while since I’ve had that kind of dream. ” she said as she slowly reaches for her glasses and puts them on. She then took her iPad and started checking her emails. “Hmm.. Nothing new I guess.” She breezed through her inbox but only found the usual subscription mails from a shopping website and a job hunt website. She also checks her social networking accounts but sees nothing that interested her.

She took her time tossing around the bed knowing that she didn’t need to get up early. It’s also been four months since her last job. On her Jobstreet account she has 16 pending applications. Most of them had not replied, she took assessment tests for some of them, but she already lost hope of the leads she had. She’s been more depressed when she heard that her younger ex-boyfriend got a high paying job with a salary she’s been yearning for. She sobbed quietly on the bus as she headed to her hometown a few days ago after a job application in a real estate developer company. She felt lost and hopeless.

Nothing good ever happened to her during the past year. Before her Dad passed away, her family had quite a struggle taking care of him. It was only her mom and her, Ayn was an only child and she took the whole burden of it. Her mom is a government employee close to retirement and Ayn is a fresh graduate starting her career when her Dad’s health suddenly went down. She knew she had to be strong for her mom. She quit her first job to nurse her dad whose condition is hopeless. They knew that but they never gave up on caring for him even though their finances were running out. She eventually took another job to help with their finances but her Dad died when she was in the middle of her work contract. Suddenly everything that she has been working hard for was gone. After a few months, her mom had to undergo a surgery. It was not so life threatening but it did quite another hit on their finances, more debts. She knows she has to find a job, she acknowledges the need to but at the same time she knows she needs a break from everything that has happened. She was too tired from facing all that alone.

Ayn turns to the other side of the bed. She didn’t care what would happen today. She stared into nothing for a while and decided to escape to dreamland, a place far away from her reality.

Drowning

I’m at my lowest point. Ironically, I though that I have been progressing. I though I already had my resolve in the middle of this stagnant non-progressive stage in my life. Apparently, my thoughts don’t agree with me. I’ve had enough of how people think I’m doing well or I’m happy. That maybe how they see me on the outside but I’m actually crumbling deep inside. I see people around me going on with their lives, my friends owning their new jobs, finding their careers, buying their firsts with the money they made while I see no progress for myself at all. I know that I should put extra effort but every time I have the momentum to do so something else interrupts. I get called back to my hometown. I’m tired of trying knowing that sometime my efforts would be wasted.

I also am not sure what to do with the people around me. They say they would support my choices but despite that I can’t help but feel like they’re holding me back. I know mothers have their ways of expressing their care but I feel mine exaggerates. The problem is I feel like I can’t tell my mom about it without making her misunderstand. The difference of perspectives really hurts people.

I know I have my friends, family and ‘supposedly’ someone special. I know it’s wrong to think I’m all alone but that’s what I feel. I finally am drowning in the sea of despair and I don’t know if I’ll ever float back again.

Nth Beginning

I’m totally not sure whether I have finally calmed down. It’s been a few months since then. Right now I see myself in a slump. No motivations, no innuendos, just lazying around all day immersing myself in online games or surfing the net. I might have grown tired of working my ass off in the past. Somehow, I also feel like I’ve lost myself. Maybe this is why I decided to start this blog. I almost forgot that I could write somehow. Maybe writing my feelings and ideas could also help me find what I’m looking for. Yes, i’m not even sure what I lost and what I’m about to find by doing this but hey, i’ve got the time. And it’s good to start something new since things have been boring lately. My usual shut-in routine makes me feel like I’m slowly rotting. Maybe this could help. Maybe.

Despite all this, I think the present me is slightly better than the few-months ago me. Back then I was really.. Pathetic. I lazed around the house, spent almost all day leveling up my characters in the online RPG I’m currently hooked. I barely made contact with the outside world then. I didn’t even bother checking my social networking accounts. I closed myself off. I didn’t care. I’m not saying that I have totally changed. I’m still like that somehow. But I was able to reduce my playtime and lazying around. There is improvement. But then my pathetic time might not have been that bad. Taking it slow somehow gave me time to relax and break free from all my anxieties. Guess not all things are bad. This might be a sign for a new beginning. Although I lost count of how many new beginnings I tried in my life, I don’t think keeping count matters. What matters is that I didn’t end up sinking into despair. I might be growing tired of hoping but I don’t think I’ll stop.

Photo is not mine. This was taken from the internet, an entirely open source.